Being Whole

This being whole is not always a walk in the park.  I’ve realized now, when I make a mistake or offend I feel terrible “all over” about it; and when I get hurt, it can hurt deeply.  Back in the scattered scrambled days, the blank spaces kept me from feeling so deeply.  The one area in which I still struggle terribly, is getting along with most other women.  Through the years I have had a few women friends, but  I’m just not a normal woman.  That’s not to say I have any gender confusion or trendy issues, I know I am fully a woman, but I don’t seem to think like other women.  Even my last husband who met me after my healing said I just didn’t think like other women, which has turned into a real deal, down the long road of a shared address, yet I digress . . .

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My mother says we just don’t see anything the same.  My sister hasn’t spoken to me in years.  One of my daughters and one of my nieces has blocked me and unfriended me on social media and not quietly, I might add.  One of my granddaughters has followed suit of her mother but recently refriended me to what feels like “waiting for the shoe to drop again.”  The “church ladies” of days gone by have their panties in a twist and unfriend me,  yet I’ve been friendly to them.  I do not back down from my convictions, but I don’t hammer them, either.  To reinforce my lack of confidence as a woman, Mr. B doesn’t treat me as a woman and he was very clear early on about not finding me desireable.  I’ve given some serious consideration to my “misfittedness” and I’m simply no longer bothered by it.  Since I know my healing came from my Heavenly Father, I know the way I think is the way I’m supposed to think.  Now, don’t get me wrong, I know I don’t know everything and I am sometimes wrong, but having a unique perspective is not the problem.  Being a very capable woman who does not back down in fear is not a sin!

I came to this place of thinking and being and I have no reason, whatsoever; to discard Romans 8:28 at this point in life.  In this acceptance and in letting go of the opinion of others, an amazing thing has happened in my life and it is a true blessing.  I have gained many friendships with women, now, and have been blessed beyond measure in the interaction I have without feeling odd.  Many in our society are coming into a place in life where they are interested to learn many of the things I know.  Many in our society have reread Proverbs 31 and realize strong and capable is not unfeminine.

Not only have I been mindful of Romans 8:28, but Titus 2:3-5 has become an integral part of my life and responsibility in ministry.  I never found my place as a young woman, and although I still refer to myself as middle aged, most of this society views me as a senior citizen; so I missed my place in the middle aged years as well.  I am just now coming into the fullness of who our Creator made me to be.  The puzzle pieces and priorities are coming together for me as a woman, a seasoned and aged woman of El Shaddai.  I look back on a few of my accomplishments and smile, but more importantly, I look to heaven for peace in the present and the vision for my purpose.

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Asunder of Soul and Spirit

Early one morning, through my devotion time, our Heavenly Father gave me a Word, and it was a serious aha moment for me.  Of course, His Voice is powerful and always just awesome that He allows me to hear It.  Hearing His Voice tends to fall into three categories; a rebuke, a specific area of direction as His child and servant, or a question . . . This morning was different, very different.  He showed me and spoke to me what has been taking place in me, and why.  There was a bit of a rebuke that came along with a question, but He made it very clear, He had seen my repentance in that regard.

When He healed my mind, all those years ago, I hadn’t “put all the pieces” together in my understanding.  I had full awareness and sometimes that was overwhelming, but He always protected me and the hedge of His protection included my entire mind / soul.  He protected my emotions, but what He’s been doing in me is separating my spirit from my emotions.  My spirit belongs to Him and is not governed by my emotions, nor is it protected by my own devices!  Please allow me to elaborate.

Many of us do not know the difference between our soul and spirit, or our emotions and a move of His Spirit.  I’ve learned in these last several years, being healed and whole mentally doesn’t always “feel good” in the way life goes.  I’ve also learned through some very painful interactions, love is not an emotion, it’s a fruit of the spirit, and sometimes folks just don’t return the love they receive . . .  They simply don’t seem to have the capability, and that can be quite painful if the interaction is frequent.  Spiritual acceptance of that which we cannot change, does two things.  It truly does leave the problem in the hands of our Creator, and it stops the emotional pain.   When our emotions are ruled by our spirit, our perspective changes; and when our spirit is ruled by The Holy Spirit, our life changes.

In my last marriage, at first I was just devastated when I learned that some of my husband’s family prefer that he come alone to family gatherings.  When he brought it up to his mother in front of me, she didn’t deny it, she simply said, “so and so” had repeated too much . . . So, I sat there taking it in . . . then very soon, celebrating the fact!

Last month, I was privileged to follow my daughter’s and grandchildren’s visit to this area from the Southwest.  Facebook does have it’s value . . . What was amazingly interesting, is my daughter called me less than 48 hours after returning home to “discuss” her visit . . . and how her grandmother, my mother was so worried about what to tell me, as the plans were made to exclude me.  To this day, we’ve not discussed it at all.  As I downloaded one of the family photos from my nephew’s page, I considered the reality.  First, I wasn’t stalking his page, we are FB friends.  As I looked at the photo, I realized, I really would have been out of place to be included.  In that photo was 4 generations, and although I was absent, my daughter really is the spittin’ image of my sister, so the photo looked complete.

I’ve tried to make myself feel sad about the realization, but I simply cannot.  It is what it is, and that’s really the resolution of the matter.  My emotions are truly not ruled by the decision of others.  My responsibility is to walk in the fruit of the Spirit, and if I’m not invited, there is even less responsibility!

Rejection can actually be freedom!

For the word of Elohim is quick, and powerful, and sharper than any twoedged sword, piercing even to the dividing asunder of soul and spirit, and of the joints and marrow, and is a discerner of the thoughts and intents of the heart.  Let us therefore come boldly unto the throne of grace, that we may obtain mercy, and find grace to help in time of need.   Hebrews 4:12, 16

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Dissociated and Depersonalized to Survive the Dysfunction

I’m still not quite sure where I stand on “generational curses.”  I realize there are familiar spirits and there is only one letter difference between familiar and familial, so undoubtedly families carry on their “traditions” and many of them are not good, or rather “good in our own eyes,” which is often very detrimental.  I guess I don’t see a “generational curse” as something that is completely out of my control, or even necessarily demonic.  I feel that much of what was spoken of in Scripture regarding the sins of the ancestors that were handed down is more a matter of condition and environment.  Children who are raised dysfunctionally, will become dysfunctional adults, but often they don’t realize they are.  That doesn’t necessarily make it demonic or a “spirit” per se.   I am blessed to know, my dysfunctional family considered me the black sheep and the scapegoat.  That knowledge was not within my grasp, however; as a young adult.  Imagine the self image and self blaming of a person who doesn’t meet the standards of the blatantly dysfunctional!  I spent much of my childhood observing the dysfunctional women, while also realizing I didn’t even meet their standards . . . and forget completely, about acceptance.  No matter what I did, there was something wrong or inadequate or simply disappointing.

Daddy was a hard man with a good work ethic and actually was gone quite a bit, working; to afford his wife the luxury of being a stay at home mom.  I did gain his work ethic, but lacked the self esteem he had/has, so I worked very hard, but never even considered my contribution to be of significant financial value or even worthy of respect.  As I’ve stated before, I knew I didn’t want to be like most of the women in my family, but I truly thought I could just get married, go away, be a mother, and not be the woman I didn’t want to be.  That isn’t a life plan, that’s avoidance, and that doesn’t work!  Unfortunately, I discovered that AFTER attempting it . . . more than once.  Until entering covenant with YHWH in Moshiach, and receiving my healing, avoidance was the skill I honed.  I stayed out of touch from family once; for over three years, and another time for seven years.  Since becoming a covenant believer, I’ve never left without a forwarding address, but the change in me has not brought any positive change in the relationships.  Even as a covenant believer in ministry, I’m still the loser, and “wrong” on religion as well.

The problem with my former life of dissociation, but remaining in the same situation is twofold, actually threefold.  First, if the situation remains unresolved, the personalities all begin to stop trading places and sooner or later all that will deal with the situation is a real intense personality, and she was the queen of avoidance.  Walking out was her specialty, as well as creating an atmosphere in which her absence was preferred by all involved.  She was a bridge burner.  Now that I’ve been made whole, that part of my total mind has been brought into a different sort of resolve.  The emotions are much less intense, and I can actually remain constant and unmovable, as well as accepting the fact, some relationships are simply not going to be comfortable, thus requiring no emotional investment beyond that.

Dissociative Identity Disorder was a built in “avoidance” method and an obvious issue in my early adult years, but in that chaos the foundational disorder went basically unnoticed.  I had depersonalization personality disorder and didn’t even realize that was a disorder.  I had no idea other people didn’t feel disconnected from their own lives and circumstances.  I’m so thankful I grew up in a time that sexual confusion wasn’t taught in mainstream.  In that kind of dysfunction and denial, much more confusion could have arisen.  I knew I was a woman and wanted to be a woman, just a different kind of woman than most of the women in my family.  Unfortunately the patterns that became established in my life of dissociation actually hindered healthy interaction with stable people.  By my early 30s that was becoming painfully obvious!  I was unable to function unless surrounded by dysfunction!   My dissociative disorder was causing physical exhaustion and the symptoms of my neurological disorder; MS, were intensifying.  I ruined a perfectly good marriage, clamboring for chaos in an attempt to maintain my way of functioning.  By the time I became a believer and was made whole, it was too late to salvage the relationship.  I hope he’s happy, I truly do.

As for continuing to take my place in the family dysfunction . . . It’s no longer a matter of avoidance, but of preparing to let it roll off of me, like water off a duck’s back.  As I think of the various situations, I literally shrug my shoulders, and feel my sideways grin.  It is what it is, and I’m not called to change them, I’m called to let my light shine and stand in shalom in the midst of the dark, dysfunction, and chaos.  This family pattern has been in place a very long time.  The only Scriptural instructions I have in this regard, is to honor my father and mother and not let the sun go down on my wrath . . . In Y’hshuwah, I’ve come to understand, there’s no need to be angry about the way my family treats me, Messiah said the end of days would produce much discord in family relationships and he also said, “those who do the will of the Father are family.”  The family’s ongoing perspective of me, doesn’t align with how my Heavenly Father sees me, therefore it doesn’t define who I am.

My mother called last night, and at 74 years old she’s still trying to tell her 57 year old daughter how to behave, react, and think.  Her perspective of my life that she sees two days a year and only hears what I choose to share is based upon very little actual information.  This has truly helped me in understanding, her view of life, my entire life, seems to have had the same baseless foundation.  I spent the first eighteen years of my adult life, drowning in the misinformation of my childhood, then the next 18 overcoming all the mess I made.  Could be, in light of revered dysfunction; the whole stay at home mom thing wasn’t such a great idea, after all . . .  In over twenty years now, of serving YHWH and being made whole, those who preferred the broken “me” have not embraced the person I was created to be.

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The Pain of the Past

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This blog has been quite difficult for me.  I have been saved from such heartache and forgiven of so much.  For those who are following this, please forgive me.  Although my mind is healed, sometimes even thinking about the past is terribly difficult.  When I think of the past, my heart breaks, not for my own brokenness, but for the pain my brokenness caused others.  In describing multiple personality disorder, terms like broken, shattered, fragmented, and pieces are used regularly.  Now picture broken pottery or a shattered glass which has nothing but sharp edges and shards to deal with.  How many people were injured by my shattered life?

I prefer to write about direction, goals, and victories, but so many of the victories in my life were born out of pain.   Since following Messiah and entering Covenant with YHWH, I have been given direction, goals, and victories!  I’m thankful I’ll be “forever” grateful, and so grateful that this new life in Messiah is the one that is forever, rather than the pain of the past.  As I now see the past as a whole picture, it’s certainly not pretty.   In all the divisions in my mind, I never saw the whole picture, and now all I can do is thank my Heavenly Father that He loved me enough to keep me and heal me.

The truly sad thing about my past is that although I was not living for G-d, I certainly wasn’t aiming at an hedonistic or selfish lifestyle.  I was trying so hard to be normal; and good, decent men tried so hard to love me.  I just simply did not know how to “do” normal.  Each of my personalities or alters contributed, and so each of them wanted their own interaction, personally.  The average together minded human being is not capable of that!  (PERIOD)  It simply is not possible.  Now that I can see the whole picture, I remember the number of times, my husband would try to reach “me,” would try to express his love and appreciation, only for his effort to not be received by a different piece of me.  As a serial bride, this happened with more than one husband and they were not to blame.  I simply could not comprehend a full and complete intimate relationship.  Now that I can, I’ve been rejected . . . and I live with it daily.

My current situation reminds me of one thing for which I’m very grateful.  Although I failed in relationships with good, caring men, I had the integrity to let them go and find love, to be able to share a life with someone.   My current situation keeps me ever mindful of another fact, however.  Although I don’t share a life with the man who shares this address, I am free to pursue the priorities I do have.  “Living” with someone who has no desire for me, affords me a great deal of time for my true desires.

Living in Covenant with YHWH gives me the power and peace to live in a loveless situation.  Do I think I’m being punished?  I used to . . . but recently a G-dly friend asked me a question that put it all into perspective.  This individual asked if I wouldn’t like to be showered with attention from a loving man.  As I thought about the question, I realized, how many times when I was attempting to be “one” with the man whom I now share an address, my mind was always somewhere else.  “Quality time” always brought thoughts of what I would rather be doing.  Whether this is the result of my brokenness, or just the appreciation that I now have a fully connected life, I am content in having direction and a future.  My past was not easy, and certainly offers no comfort, but thankfully; it is my past!  book

 

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I Lost Nothing in Abba’s Healing

When one of my daughters suggested she still saw signs of my multiple personality, back in 2012; I was deeply troubled by her comment.  First and foremost, she comes across as very knowledgeable, even commanding, but I’m her mom, so I’m finally onto her schtick.  I realized I’m the one who had given her that “power” in my life, so . . .  in my healing that changed.   Her opinion really is just that, just another opinion.  Yet, I digress, this isn’t about her . . .  Many family members take issue with my healing and health, so Mr. B has strict orders, if I get sick.  He is not to call family until I’m recovered or ready for burial.

There was a continuing similarity in my various alters/personalities, while also diametrically opposing emotional reactions.  Each alter had a talent and a specific insight, but it was very focused, so the wrong alter in the wrong circumstance was never a good thing.  Before my healing from YHWH, I tried to work through this with psychology.  A real fear set in, through that process, and I’m choosing to use past tense third person in the following statement.  The alters felt threatened that they would be eliminated, and my protected core felt she would be left helpless and vulnerable.  The “members” of multiple personality disorder do not understand the darkness outside of their awareness. The nothingness or disconnected void that surrounds them, is only darkness to them.  The world keeps right on running and often running them.

So after a time, I/we settled for what was termed “co-consciousness.”  It didn’t include the entire “group,” but there was a fluidity to my behavior and understanding.  Sadly, I was still only “watching” my life go by, and only certain segments.  My view of my life was like watching a youtube video.  By the time I was seeing the scenario, it was insignificant history, that had sometimes gone viral in my circle of influence and already discussed.  Co-consciousness worked on a performance level and after the fact, so it was far from optimum.  I was still easily lost or manipulated in the commotion others called life.  I felt such overwhelming responsibility and guilt for the blank spots, although there were never signs that I’d neglected my responsibilities.  I don’t remember ever being fired, although I did regrettably walk out on a job or two.  Marriage was difficult because it was supposed to involve intimacy, and I just didn’t have that capability.  There was just too big of a “crowd” to get to know on a personal level.  What was intimate and personally favorable for one personality was far from that for another, so it truly wasn’t fair to the husbands who did cherish me.  I still have regrets about that and pray they are happy.

When YHWH healed me, things changed dramatically.  The awareness was a miracle, and if that wasn’t enough, my gifts and talents seemed to intensify with total awareness, while the negative motivation decreased.  I finally experienced life on a participation level, rather than observation or obligation.  I no longer functioned to keep everyone at a friendly distance.  I didn’t become totally trusting overnight with people, and I’m still not, but trusting YHWH, rather than a hidden part of myself was exhilarating!

I now enjoy so many activities, interests, and talents in my life.  There are a couple of things I no longer do as well, but the reason is two fold.  One; those things are not in as big a demand in my life as they used to be, so the practice has fallen away, and the second reason, some of the projects I was spending time and talent on, are not Scriptural, therefore the talent has been redirected to things that are glorifying to our Creator!

facebook_1422676405092Meanwhile, I am so thankful to be healed and in service to my King, following Messiah. I am blessed to be the owner operator of a small homestead, called the Land of Goshen, where I enjoy a wonderful herd of goats and raise an organic garden.  I am thrilled to be able to formulate herbal extracts and essential oil blends, make soaps and natural products, while also designing the catalogue and heading the marketing department.  I get to be the CEO, CFO, and answer the phone.  That really is a blessing, in that when I come across a need, if I have something that will help, it’s within my power to be able to gift it rather than check with management.

I have great dogs that are not only wonderful companions, but working dogs as well . . . My family doesn’t live so close, but with modern technology, we get to stay in touch and for that I am grateful.  I’m not the greatest author in the world, but notices of auto deposits from amazon are fun and I truly love being an internet journalist.  When I click publish, I think of Isaiah 52:7.  The fact that Romans 10:15 references the passage in Isaiah, I also appreciate how truly economical it is to get the Good News throughout the world, now by internet.  I sometimes consider the fact that somewhere on the other end of “send” is the last person to hear and receive the Gospel.

The title of this article bears more depth than meets the eye.  When I say I lost “nothing,” that was a huge thing to lose.  The dark nothingness that existed between the fragments of my broken mind was lost in The Light.

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Resolution and Closure

I never understood resolution or closure through the years of living with dissociative identity disorder.  That’s the official term for it now in the DSM V-R.  Looking back, now, I think I can explain what seemed to happen, but at the time, I was completely unaware of it.  In my attempt to achieve mental health through psychology, I came to this understanding of the way the disorder worked.  Psychology didn’t give me an answer or a cure, just an explanation for the “workings” of the disorder.  Life was basically about surviving one situation to the next.  I wasn’t living, and life didn’t always require the need to survive, unless I kept myself in bad situations, so . . . for a time I kept finding myself in “familiar” circumstances which were not healthy, that fed my poor emotional health.

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As adults, we do not have to stay in circumstances that are unhealthy or highly stressful.  Usually we can accept the rejection and just move on.  Dissociative identity disorder not only kept me from seeing the full picture, but undoubtedly heightened the stress in many situations.   I simply did not know how to live a fluid life.  My fragmented personalities became experts to handle life in pieces.  Let me say right now, the various personalities were only considered “experts” in a shattered mind.  There was a great deal of dysfunction in my life.  The only thing I really managed for the long term, was motherhood, because I wanted every child in my circle of influence to have a special and safe childhood.  I did everything in my power to make the world revolve around a child.  I didn’t know the difference between nurture and spoil.  The results of that dysfunction remain sadly obvious, today.

Once I came to YHWH and my mind was healed, I didn’t know how to function with a healthy mind.  I was simply ignorant as to how life actually worked.  Since my mind was no longer fragmented, I discovered very quickly, many awkward situations.  I’m not confrontational, although I am protective of the smaller and weaker; and I do stand my ground.  The paradigm of the disorder was completely changed in the Master’s healing touch.  The problem was, I was still a collection of my shattered self, now seeking Abba instead of self-preservation.  The first couple of years on the Narrow Path were not easy.  I didn’t know how to interact, I only knew how to protect and keep the peace or leave.  On top of that, I was faced with trying to understand the difference between unity and compromise.  That’s still tricky when it comes to family and religious folk.  My family has done everything to keep the old dysfunctional Elizabeth in her place . . . now to the fourth generation.  As for religious folk, I think discord is now referred to as “iron sharpening iron.”

Since my mind is now together, I take note of second mile situations, but that took a great deal of discipline and seeking Y’hshuwah.  I knew a lot of Scripture even in my disorder days, so imagine how patient a personal with dissociative disorder appears to be while each personality goes the second mile.  With my mind made whole, I realized the second mile ended much quicker, but still wasn’t sure what to do, other than leave . . . rather than simply being mentally and emotionally absent.  For a time that was great!  It was nice to leave a situation and really be gone, body and all; rather than “coming back” in an undisclosed period of time, to face the same problem or just take the blame.

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As time went on in my walk, I guess Abba decided I was mature enough to handle resolution without leaving, or He has used it to mature me.   He’s also brought me to the place I have simply prayed for “pleasant good-byes.”

Rejection and fear of rejection was a driving force in my mental disorder.  The subconscious drive to produce and project a high achieving, low maintenance “performer” has taken some time to die.  I do have emotions and emotional responses, but I’m quite reserved in the demonstration of them.  I am now able to tolerate awkward situations without fixing them, if they are none of my business.  Even if blame is aimed my way, unless I’m guilty, I don’t have to receive it.  As for rejection, I’m learning there are worse things.

Rejection is no longer a motivating factor in my attempt to make improvements in a relationship.  Rejection is a clear message, the other individual does not desire a relationship, or is seeking to control and change.  Recognizing rejection has become a very simple way to focus my energy and effort in a more productive way or with a more receptive individual.   Not only did Abba heal my mind, the mind of Messiah, now affords me the strength and wisdom to accept resolution and closure in shalom rather than crisis and confusion.

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Loyalty

Early in life, I became aware of the fact, I’m odd.  I tried for a time to blend in, but that didn’t work so well for me.  Actually, it was impossible!  Living in covenant with our Creator and following Messiah, we are called to be set apart,  so I’m truly grateful I didn’t have to “unlearn” mainstream blending.  What I did need to learn and still have a lot to learn about, is love.   I didn’t associate love with good feelings or warm fuzzies.  I associated it with fear.  My parents weren’t the type to say, “I love you.”  Once in awhile Daddy, when I’d disappointed him or asked for something, would ask me, “Don’t you know we love you?”  I simply didn’t understand the question.  Since I feared my parents greatly, I associated his question with the way I “felt” at home and decided quite early, love was a strange tightness in my chest and a heaviness in my stomach.  This is what I associated with the word, “love.”

I also soon learned that “loyalty” was valued above love in our family.  Loyalty meant secrecy.  That was programmed quite deeply, but then loyalty took on another dimension that was also programmed, yet unspoken.   There were plenty of instructions about not telling what went on in the privacy of our home, but the other dimension was implied and inferred and accepted by trial and error.   I knew I didn’t like it, but I couldn’t identify it.   Daddy worked hard and worked a lot.  He was young and energetic, but his energy seemed anger driven, it still does.  Since he was gone a lot working, I spent a great portion of my early years trying to cope with my mother.  He did not like to come home after working so hard, to an upset wife.  I could not understand that woman, still don’t, and I don’t identify with her.   I love her, but it’s not by her definition.   I don’t think this is the case for my Daddy, but my mother’s definition of love and loyalty is; disliking the same people.  The definition of love that is now looming over the fourth generation, is that of carrying the grudge of the matriarch.

Although I knew it subliminally, it wasn’t spoken directly.  She compared me to people she didn’t like and couldn’t understand why I’d want to be like them.  I don’t remember “wanting” to be like anyone.  I just wanted to be invisible!  It wasn’t until my sister’s trial that I realized how intensely my family demanded loyalty.  As a matter of fact, I wrote to my sister’s attorney trying to explain my sister’s strange thinking and to please change the defense strategy.  My mother still has a copy of that letter and sternly told my daughter, “they still haven’t decided what they are going to do about it.”  My sister’s trial took place in 2006.   The defense strategy didn’t change and my sister was released about a year ago.

It wasn’t until I was unfriended on Facebook, by my daughter, granddaughter, and my niece that I realized what I’d not been able to verbally identify before.  In my determination to not raise my children the way I was raised, I loved them the best way I knew how.  To show love, I protect, I cook, and I give time . . . still learning.  I’ve got a great combo example on that shortly, but that’s how I loved them and there was no loyalty required, because we weren’t living a secret life behind closed doors and except for family, I got along with most people most of the time.  So my daughter wasn’t taught that loyalty was love.  As a matter of fact, she doesn’t display any loyalty, but she does expect it.  Now, back to my recent understanding of love.

My niece, whom I haven’t seen since 1995 has the family loyalty connection.  She’s carrying her mother’s grudge and her grandmother’s grudge, against me.  In dealing with my daughter, I’ve felt like a complete failure, but now I realize, I didn’t pass that strange requirement of “love means you carry my grudge” and so I am thankful for that.  I didn’t have a grudge to give her, I thought the family was right in feeling the way they did about me.  The strange thing, however; is she has instilled that in at least one of her children.  I truly felt compassion for my granddaughter as she painstakingly typed offensive messages to me, in defense of her mother, and I simply realized, I can’t do it another generation!  I worked too hard to break that crazy chain to have it come back in full force, now.   Since she’s a teenager and even though none of the rest of the generations have outgrown it, I hope and pray that she will.  Her life has been prayed over all of her days.  I have faith that will make the difference.

Even since my healing and although I’m learning more about love every day.  I continue to demonstrate my love through time, protection and cooking.   My grandchildren have all shared their memory of one example, in particular.  In the early days of homesteading I had a mean rooster.  He wasn’t mean to adults, but when the kids came to visit, he went after my grandchildren with a frenzied flogging.  I took the time and made the time to deal with him!  One mean rooster for dinner . . . protection and cooking.

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The Flood of Doubts

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This photo holds a very distinct place in my history.  It was taken in the summer of ’62, when I was four years old.  I’m the little brown girl in the forefront!  A barrage of thoughts and doubts flooded my mind during that wedding, and that was the last time I remember a flood of varying thoughts until my mind was healed 32 years later.  Obviously there was more leading to the fracturing of my awareness than a single afternoon of high pressure, but it was the last time that feeling of overload, overwhelmed me.  Usually the flood of doubts and fears came on at home, not in public, and certainly not with all eyes upon me.  The one thing of I was sure that afternoon:  if my Grandpa were there, everything would have been all right.  For the next few years, I seemed to have a safe perch above stressful or fearful situations, and then after time, I simply lost track of those situations, all together.

The afternoon was apparently going as planned, but it didn’t seem like the rehearsal.  At the rehearsal, I got to walk down the aisle with Aunt Bonnie and she told me to pretend I was dropping flower petals.  She was the maid of honor.  This day, however; she was walking down the aisle alone and I was to follow, Phil; the ring bearer.  I knew a number of the people in this large wedding party, as the bride’s family lived next door to my grandparents.  It was so difficult to be a part of this celebration without Grandpa.

So, here I’m watching Aunt Bonnie head down the aisle, leaving only the ringbearer, myself, a few ushers, and the father of the bride in the vestibule.  Patty, the bride, was apparently still in one of the rooms awaiting her walk down the aisle, when the sound of something metal hit the floor, and then the steps.  Apparently, before the days of “faux rings” tied to the pillow, the bride and groom actually entrusted the responsibility of delivering the genuine rings, to a 4-7 year old boy.  So, in addition to all my doubts and fears, confusion and mayhem also entered the scenario.

I just wanted to run down that aisle and stand by Aunt Bonnie or better yet out the big door into the sunny afternoon, but the usher stopped me and told me I had to wait until Phil walked down first.  He couldn’t go until they found the ring.   Fortunately the ring was found, and carried by an adult back up the steps.  The young ring bearer, who is absent from the photo above, seemed to have taken the whole thing in stride, whereas, the little flower girl was now a major wreck.  I just knew I was going to do something wrong, and that nearly petrified me.  I didn’t like to disappoint adults at all!  I didn’t know what to do, but “the show must go on.”   Once Phil arrived down front without further incident, it was my turn.

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I stepped into the sanctuary and felt the people watching.  Oh it was such a horrible feeling.  I absolutely didn’t want to disappoint my parents, and Patty was counting on me.  She was always so nice, I certainly didn’t want to let her down.  So I put my head down, set my jaw, and determined one foot in front of the other until I was standing next to Aunt Bonnie.  I wasn’t going to make a mistake . . . as a matter of fact, all I could do was cling tightly to that little white basket full of flower petals.  My hands remained at my sides and I didn’t drop anything!  When the crowd realized I wasn’t going to drop any flower petals the smiles and “grown up chuckles” began.  They were laughing at me!  An entire sanctuary full of people were laughing, when I was trying to so hard.

I’ve often wondered if my failure that day, affected my outlook on marriage in general.  In all my weddings, there was never a flower girl.   No child should have to feel the way I did that day!  To date, although I’ve tried numerous times, when it comes to weddings and marriage, I’ve still never gotten it right.  I am, however; fully aware of that exhausting fact.

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Remembering

The last entry certainly stirred my thinking.   At this point in my life, I don’t believe in becoming terribly self focused.  I want to simply be an open book before my Heavenly Father and be pleasing to Him.  I want to be like Y’hshuah.  Sometimes the seeking becomes a bit of sorting, as there are still areas of struggle.   Abba has shown me a certain spirit that is drawn to me, or that I attract. In remembering the fragmented bits and pieces of my former fractured self, I see all too many times, the same situation, the same circumstances, and now with discernment, the same spirit in the atmosphere.

I don’t want to spend any more time dealing with that spirit, but by the same token, I’d truly like to see what is in me that draws it!  As I began this post, I just became intensely sad.  Although my memory prior to my healing is still differentiated to a point, I can remember the patterns.  I remember the times of “looking down” on a little brown girl that simply did not know what to do . . . and being so thankful I wasn’t her.  Now, with healing, I am of course; aware of the reality.  That little brown girl was me, and there are now many memories that I hadn’t even had to look at, at the time the events and circumstances were actually taking place.  This also grieves me.   I remember so many times of just longing to be invisible, and at the point of my next awareness, the circumstances were different.  I was young, I had a child’s perspective, but that didn’t go away as I grew physically.   The broken separation deepened.

As a child, I thought my mother’s humiliation of me was my being overly sensitive, as that’s what I was told.  Now, fully aware and still dealing with it, others have noticed her treatment of me, to this day.  Our relationship hasn’t really changed, but my awareness has!  It’s the same with one of my daughters.  She keeps trying to catch me separated, but doesn’t realize, I have all those traits and qualities of each alter, but there is no longer a separation or loss of awareness.  That same daughter has actually told me she can count on her grandmother to financially reward her disrespect of me.   Now that I am aware of the requirements to be accepted, I’m pretty comfortable to accept the rejection or exclusion, but I won’t allow my grandchildren to treat me by the example that’s been set.  I’m not seeking rejection or exclusion, mind you, but accepting.  I simply cannot relate to their standards and definitions of right and wrong.

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In looking back before my healing, remembering is sad, it’s always sad.  Now, in twenty years of healthy living, I realize the definition of normal that I was taught, was not normal at all . . . black was white and white was black, yet it wasn’t that simple.  Green was purple and orange was blue, depending upon the moods of the adults and the circumstances.  Through the time of seeking mainstream psychology for answers, the count of personality alters hit 39.  Of course, some were quite fragmented and held exclusive or isolated incidents that I just couldn’t face at the time they were happening.

Although the last 20 years have been much more peaceful and enjoyable than the first 36 years, remembering is still difficult for me.  Even with healing, my scars still draw certain spiritual attacks.  As I seek Abba in this matter, I am grateful to finally be able to realize it, and to know it’s not an alter personality I am relying upon, but rather, the Creator of the Universe.  YHWH Nissi has me covered!

 

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Healing Test (Pt 3)

I hope it was the FINAL, in this particular subject!

While I was trying to gain footing in this new marriage, I had not fully let go of my old way of coping:  which is escape.  I didn’t want to fail again or end in divorce, I truly wanted the circumstances to change.  Of course, when that’s boiled down to reality, I wanted this person to change.  Before we married, I liked him.  The chemistry wasn’t so awesome, well or even present at all, but I did think we would be best friends.  I guess the truth of the matter was, he was enough of an oddball, I thought I’d feel a little closer to normal, next to him.   When I’m wrong, I say I’m wrong.  I was wrong . . .  I kept feeling stranger and stranger.  Everything I thought would be at least normal between us, was even more foreign than when I was crazy, trying to be normal!

I guess we’d been married about 3 months, when I shared something from my heart.  His response was something that changed everything for me.  His words were few and concise, “You can’t feel like that!”  I looked at him with what must have been a startling look, because he reworded it and said, “You shouldn’t feel that way.”  With that I responded as calmly as I could, “You can’t tell me how to feel.  I do accept the fact, however; that you don’t want me to voice it.”  I have to refer back, once again to how I operated as an adult before my healing.

From the time I’d been a very small child, vulnerability and true feelings were not to be shown.  As I aged, the multiple personality disorder expanded, it regulated what feelings were demonstrated and what feelings were hidden.  Feelings that were to be hidden were the trigger for a personality change.  When it wasn’t safe to be real, that realness was hidden from the rest of the world, as well as my fragmented alters.  Having been made whole, I now saw something I’d not experienced in my single life.  Of course, I’d been in social settings in which one doesn’t bare their soul or spill their guts, but in living alone, there was the refuge of home in which I could be myself.  I had not shared an address with someone who would dictate what feelings could be shared and what feelings must be hidden, since I gained total awareness.

It’s not like I’d cussed or falsely accused, or even had some sort of “tizzy,” as I know women can do.  I wasn’t slamming doors or throwing papers.  What I had said was not an accusation toward him, but simply I’d shared a vulnerability with the person who was supposed to be my soul mate.  His words hit all the way to the core of my being.  My hope in a soul mate vanished in a single instant.  Then, of course, I was afraid I was holding a grudge.  I still didn’t know how to discern accepting another’s control issues without being controlled, having my own boundaries, while “sharing a life.”  As life continued, I learned to not share my vulnerabilities with him.  He simply did not have it in him to protect or value me.  In all honestly, at first that was pretty upsetting, but as time went on, the distance between us became very reassuring, even comforting.  As the time has gone on, it’s not a regret or a grudge, simply a fact that is accepted and actually embraced.  There are places where feelings can be shared and places where they cannot.  It’s not a grudge to know who can be trusted and who cannot, it’s wisdom!

It did take awhile to be able to be openly honest with feelings of vulnerability.  We are called to love our enemies, but we aren’t told to trust them.  My mind was in shattered pieces for over 30 years of my life, yet it protected my heart.  I’ve come to realize, when we missed the feeling of safety as a child, some spend the rest of their lives looking for that safety in a mate or boundaries in a career.  When being real was forbidden, we long for that opportunity and acceptance.  When being vulnerable is unsafe, we can become hardened, but there is a true option to all that searching.    As an adult, before my healing, without awareness of the disorder process; when the personality alters quit, I simply ran out on the relationship.  I know if I’d have sought my old method of escape, through divorce, I would not be where Abba has brought me today.  I have Messiah and He has brought me to the Father.   Finally, I had reached the end of the trying of my faith on this healing.  He truly has healed my mind and I continue to seek Him and am renewed!

And be not conformed to this world: but be ye transformed by the renewing of your mind, that ye may prove what is that good, and acceptable, and perfect, will of YHWH.

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