When I was “found” [saved, repented, entered covenant] and my mind healed, it wasn’t long before I realized I had a rejection issue; or rather a fear of rejection issue. As I prayed about this, I heard YHWH already knew and He was going to change that. I’ll be honest here, I really misunderstood what He was saying. I truly thought rejection was going be a thing of the past. In my spiritual immaturity and zeal, I really did believe I’d be well received by the church. I also foolishly thought family would be happy to see the returning prodigal. As you’ve probably guessed, neither of those things happened. Actually, quite to the contrary.
The church was not thrilled about my call and family wasn’t open to changing the dynamics of our interaction. The church had their tradition and although everyone likes to talk about “walking on water,” rocking the boat is out of the question. When I first realized that, I thought to myself, of the disciples in that ship on the troubled waters. When Peter heard Messiah’s call, don’t you think he rocked that boat getting out and onto the water? I’ve wondered through the years if any of the other disciples said anything to him, as he was “stepping out.”
I realized before Abba would use me in His purpose and plan, I needed to make peace with the family, or at least do what I could. Realizing I could not make amends, I simply asked for forgiveness and hoped the grudges against my old self would not be held against this new creation. I soon learned I needed to keep my hope in our Creator, rather than humanity. I made my apology phone call and went out to see them in person. It wasn’t a year, before I found myself in an old familiar circumstance, only this time, I saw things differently. I saw the entire scenario unfold, rather than fragmented bits and pieces. I was no longer in the position of having to accept the perspective of someone else. I wasn’t trying to discount the perspective of others, but I had my own connected awareness of the situation that had transpired. Clearly, this was not going to work well in the traditional family dynamics. It was also at that time, I realized, they hadn’t been pleased with me, the other way either . . . I love my family, but I don’t think the same way they do, and that has always been a problem that continues to this day. My sister, on the other hand, has embraced life the way my parents framed it. I don’t think that has served her well.
As for the church, my belief in the complete Scriptures doesn’t fit with mainstream American Christianity. When Paul wrote to Timothy regarding “. . . rightly dividing the Word . . .” many American Christians apparently do not realize that was not referring to the “Old and New Testaments.” The New Testament would not be compiled for another 300 years. As for family, the rules of engagement still haven’t changed. We all have our role in the function of dysfunction, and if one person steps out of that . . . harmony does not necessarily ensue. Although my daughter has admittedly benefitted financially, she’s recently stated that she knows her grandparents actually reward her for disrespect toward her mother.
So, here we are twenty years later and sadly, many American mainstream Christians prefer my absence and have stated as much, and family is what it is. It was 2012 before I understood Ephesians 6:13. I had done all I could and it was time to stand.
Wherefore take unto you the whole armour of God, that ye may be able to withstand in the evil day, and having done all, to stand.