As I write this post, I’m so thankful for something today that I hadn’t really ever considered. As one of the contributors and I exchanged information and chatted about the publication of the Goshen Gazette, the number of blogs I maintain for articles and guests came up. I jokingly referred to myself as “the Sybil of the internet.” That was the night before this site was officially linked to the weekly publication. When I’m testing the waters, I tend to package the truth in a short bit of wit, or at least make the attempt. As it turns out, that little reference has brought a real reminder to me.
I maintain eighteen active blogs with several others for guests and extras, and own seven websites. I also keep three spiral notebooks perpetually in use and two others, a small one in my purse, and one by my bed for random notation. As for the perpetual spirals. One notebook contains my general list of daily plans and thoughts that come to me through the course of my day. One spiral is specifically for the Goshen Gazette, and the other is for business. All of this may sound like a lot, but spread over 6 days, it’s simply what I’m called to do. In cleaning the little things last week, I’m now determined to become disciplined enough to stop using little scraps of paper everywhere and utilize one of my five options, instead.
Why am I boring you with these details? Please let me share. Several years ago, in a deep house-cleaning after a divorce [throwing out all reminders,] I began coming across spiral notebooks that contained different penmanship and perspectives, and none of them contained my ex-husband’s handwriting. I had a young daughter, but I was the only adult in the house at the time. I was involved in a “battered women’s support group” as my recent divorce had ended an abusive marriage. I shared just a bit of the information with the group facilitator who maintained her cool, but it was clear to see, her wheels were turning. She asked me if I’d ever been in counseling or seen a psychiatrist. I then relayed some information from my childhood. The professional recommendations were then, forthcoming. I’d known for years I struggled with awareness, but I hadn’t realized what it actually meant.
Since we’d discussed briefly my previous counseling, I decided to see if I could speak with the psychiatrist who had been in charge of my case as a kid. Sure enough, he was now in private practice, but remembered me. In our short conversation, he shared that although the circumstances had not aimed at a diagnosis at the time, there was strong evidence of dissociation in the tests I’d taken. He specifically mentioned remembering some answers seemed like those of a very young child, while other answers seemed to come from a mature woman well beyond my years. He recommended a specialist in the field of dissociation identity disorder or as it was referred, multiple personality disorder.
From what I read of those first journals, my broken mind was trying to make sense of the confusion and pain. One of the journals rang of self-deprecating humor, another of making childhood good, still another of man handling . . . or how to avoid being handled. Through years of secular counseling I wrote to keep track of life and try to connect my existence. Now I write to publish the Good News of Messiah and share what G-d can do.
I am so humbled and thankful that even before I had full awareness, Abba had full awareness of me. Long before I could even imagine the mind of Messiah, I was on His mind. Today, I am so thankful to be blessed with many notes, blogs, and journals, but now, by the grace of G-d, I am aware of them all!