I mentioned when coming to YHWH in Messiah, He healed my mind. I’ll discuss more of that as we go, but for now, I have to address how I almost lost my healing. Rather, I should say, almost gave up my healing. Life got very, very painful between 2007 and 2012. I continued to function, but crafted myself a pseudonym for a blog that wasn’t private, but separate from my “already respected work” on the web. Life was so painful, I found myself fearing my mind would fragment again or simply shatter. YHWH is good! He held me together in the mind of Messiah. I “stayed together” but was sadly aware of the entire bleakness and rejection. It was a test, and I remember the day I heard, the test was over.
The pseudonym afforded me a venting avenue, as well as being able to read it and remain aware, that it was indeed my life. For that five years, life was just intensely painful to the point of grievous. Even with the Comforter, I couldn’t let go of the pain. It would subside for awhile, and then overtake me like a flood. When I wrote this in May of 2013, the test had ended 7 months earlier, but the horrific grief lingered. I was giving great consideration to telling my truth in novel form, but as I’ve mentioned, there was no peace in that. So it sat for a year in my “secret blog” under the pseudonym, but no more entries were added. I knew the truth. I didn’t have any of the old blank spaces, but it really felt good to view my life as an outsider . . . just for a few moments. That was when I realized I was at a cross roads. If I continued to write under the pseudonym it would be like putting my hand to the plow and looking back. The pain would remain and the confusion of dissociation could very well return, or I could share the truth and proclaim what healing I’ve been given. This website has made it official! I have let go of the pain to move forward in the plan by the author and finisher of my faith and share the life in which I’ve been blessed.
The following is that final entry.
There is a woman who is the religious type and considerably outside of mainstream. She’s not a Bible thumper, per se, but she doesn’t let anyone talk her out of what she knows. Her statement is simple. She says, “she doesn’t know it all, but she personally knows the One Who does.”
This woman is living a fairly respectable life, as life in America goes. She took her walk on the wild side in her late teens and rocked that downward spiral until her early 30’s but in her words, had an encounter with G-d that changed everything. The direction of her life literally changed overnight. She wasn’t a big partier, just trying and failing at mainstream, constantly, with a serious emotional disadvantage, and what she calls,”walking outside the favor of G-d.” She now believes in keeping the personal laws of the Hebrew Scriptures, but believes in Messiah also. She believes that He was the final sacrifice and the Temple is not standing in Jerusalem, so she makes no animal sacrifices and she believes America is a continuation of ancient Rome . . .
She’s been walking this path, serving the G-d of Israel, for as many years as she spent on the wrong path as an adult. Not only does she believe life is spiritually based, but she’s practical as well. She files her taxes, doesn’t have any outstanding traffic tickets or overdue library books. She’s written a cookbook, a few religious books, blogs incessantly and has established a simplistic lifestyle of homesteading. She maintains several domains and has a soap and natural health product business. What a renegade? But enough about her, she’s not the point of my blog. It’s watching her circle of influence that blows my mind.
She prays regularly for a sister who is in prison for child abuse while the inference has been made by her parents that her potential inheritance would reflect their disappointment. Her disdain for child abuse was perceived as a lack of loyalty toward her sister in her time of need. She did, however; write a letter to her sister’s attorney offering help, trying to direct them in the path that she had heard in prayer. When the trouble first became known, she was asked to pray and even gave a word as to the outcome if they didn’t change the direction. She mentioned a couple of things she couldn’t possibly have known, without being told from On High. Considering these factors, she still weeps for her sister, prays for her safety in prison, and that she would come to repentance. Now that her parents are speaking to her again, she continues to honor her parents as best she knows how, sending cards and making phone calls . . .
Now, here’s the next wild thing I’ve seen. Her husband has no regard for her, unless someone important to her is watching, or he can manipulate the circumstances to make her appear cold and uncaring. He refuses to participate in her interests, but invades and hovers in her relationships. He rejected her on their honeymoon, but refused to divorce her. She’s come to accept that. She said she didn’t accept it willingly at first, but when he became disabled, she simply took care of him and accepted the fact that there would never be a divorce.
She now says she’s grateful for the circumstances. She prepares his meals, washes his clothes, and goes on with her priorities. She says she’s come to a fuller understanding of I Corinthians 7 and she’s stopped demanding that he observe and fulfill Deuteronomy 24. She admits she used to just cry and beg that he honor that passage by giving her a divorce. She’s actually stated that being alone is preferable to being in the wrong relationship but his indifferent rejection is as close as she can get to being single, now. So here’s this little cocky, belligerent, arrogant man who has grown a beard and will argue with anyone against Christmas trees and bacon, now disabled. He has openly told her, as has his mother, that he’s not interested in her nor does he share the same beliefs. Since he isn’t interested in celebrating any Holy Days, she is virtually isolated from fellowship.
Her situation with her daughter is heartbreaking. People tried to tell her years ago what a problem that daughter was, but oh no, she wouldn’t listen. She fiercely defended that child’s right to be “herself.” Her method of mothering was in direct opposition to her own upbringing. She simply states now, it was just not part of G-d’s plan for her to be a mother at that time. She has verbally acknowledged that she failed miserably and hates that fact. Her daughter now hates that too, but, here’s the current situation. After calling her late last Sunday afternoon to wish her a Happy Mother’s Day and tell her mother all the lovely gifts she’d received, without sending so much as a card to her own mother, another call came Tuesday.
The daughter, middle-aged, divorced and now remarried for less than a year. The daughter whose ex-husband has custody of their child. The one who left her mother’s homestead screeching profanities and the most vile of degradation, in a completely outrageous act of anger and stupidity called to ask if there is anything in the Bible against being a dominatrix mistress. This woman brings exaggerated definition to the word “mockery” and possibly a whole new definition to mixing holy with profane. Her mother acknowledges her failure, but can do nothing more. She simply asked her if she knew Y’hshuwah was coming to dinner would she serve pork chops? The daughter replied, “No absolutely not.” Then the mother asked, if she would invite Y’hshuwah to this potential new career site . . . to which the daughter replied, “Oh yes, I’d be completely comfortable with that.” The call ended with a tearful, “I love you” and she went and took a shower . . .
Somehow in writing this in third person, I was able to read it and realize, acceptance by my “inner circle ” would be much more grievous than the rejection and disregard. It’s given me a bold compassion to realize it isn’t about me. Surviving the rejection of these people has certainly helped prepare me for the rejection we will face as the world embraces evil. My mental healing has been tried and tested! Knowing Messiah has held me through these tests of rejection and The Comforter has sustained me, the rejection of mainstream strangers doesn’t seem so overwhelming.