When I saw Messiah’s question in John 5:6, “Wilt thou be made whole?” I knew, at some point, I’d author a book bearing that title. There were many years between that “knowing” and the accomplishment. When my mind was made whole, instantly, there were many shards and rough edges that still didn’t “fit.” I knew they were there and they were no part of my future, but they were part of my past; and it would take maturity and surrender to The Great Spirit of our Holy Elohim to incorporate those parts as well. I was forgiven, I’d forgiven others, and my past has no power over me, but it is part of my testimony. It’s how I am able to bear witness as to what our Savior can do!
As I sit here writing this, I’m enjoying a cool southern breeze in the window, listening to the rain gently tapping on the sky light in the kitchen, and thinking of all the other things on my “to do” list today. I’m so grateful to be able to do that. Before being made whole, I had never experienced that. Whatever I was doing, that was my entire awareness, with the exception of motherhood. Regardless of my broken awareness, I always knew there were children that came first, and that’s how the idolatry began. I, literally, centered on making childhood, safe, fun, and easy for my child, step-children of various marriages, and ultimately when I adopted. Every facet of my being, every alter, every personality; knew there was a responsibility for children and was determined to protect them. It’s not an easy thing to express, and far from a good way to live, but it’s where I was until the age of 36. I like to think if I’d known about receiving the Holy Spirit as a young person, I would have centered on Messiah, rather than motherhood.
A few years ago, one of my Granddaughters asked me if I loved her more than I loved G-d. I told her I loved my grandchildren more than anyone on earth. Her next comment indicated that she felt I’d side-stepped her question, so we chatted as we did chores. She asked me, point blank, if I loved G-d more than I loved her. I confessed directly that although I loved her, her siblings, and her cousins more than anyone or anything on earth, I did love G-d more. It was the most precious opportunity to explain about how much G-d loved us in giving, His Son, Y’hshuwah. It was that same granddaughter several years later that overheard her mother screeching at me, who told me, she would never speak to anyone the way her mom spoke to me. I, of course, told her how happy I was to hear that.
Her statement struck that old chord of remembrance in my heart. Suddenly, I received insight regarding the horrible relationship of 18 years. My former “god” had made it very clear she was displeased with being dethroned. That was one of those social teachings, I’d apparently misunderstood through her childhood. When hearing, “children come first,” “first in a mother’s heart,” I’d taken it literally. It suddenly made so much sense, although sad, as to why our relationship had deteriorated through her adult years. She was no longer the center of my world. I had placed my child above the Creator of the universe and in doing so, failed her greatly. Abba forgave me when I repented from my idolatry. Sadly, my daughter has yet to forgive me, for that repentance.