Remembering

The last entry certainly stirred my thinking.   At this point in my life, I don’t believe in becoming terribly self focused.  I want to simply be an open book before my Heavenly Father and be pleasing to Him.  I want to be like Y’hshuah.  Sometimes the seeking becomes a bit of sorting, as there are still areas of struggle.   Abba has shown me a certain spirit that is drawn to me, or that I attract. In remembering the fragmented bits and pieces of my former fractured self, I see all too many times, the same situation, the same circumstances, and now with discernment, the same spirit in the atmosphere.

I don’t want to spend any more time dealing with that spirit, but by the same token, I’d truly like to see what is in me that draws it!  As I began this post, I just became intensely sad.  Although my memory prior to my healing is still differentiated to a point, I can remember the patterns.  I remember the times of “looking down” on a little brown girl that simply did not know what to do . . . and being so thankful I wasn’t her.  Now, with healing, I am of course; aware of the reality.  That little brown girl was me, and there are now many memories that I hadn’t even had to look at, at the time the events and circumstances were actually taking place.  This also grieves me.   I remember so many times of just longing to be invisible, and at the point of my next awareness, the circumstances were different.  I was young, I had a child’s perspective, but that didn’t go away as I grew physically.   The broken separation deepened.

As a child, I thought my mother’s humiliation of me was my being overly sensitive, as that’s what I was told.  Now, fully aware and still dealing with it, others have noticed her treatment of me, to this day.  Our relationship hasn’t really changed, but my awareness has!  It’s the same with one of my daughters.  She keeps trying to catch me separated, but doesn’t realize, I have all those traits and qualities of each alter, but there is no longer a separation or loss of awareness.  That same daughter has actually told me she can count on her grandmother to financially reward her disrespect of me.   Now that I am aware of the requirements to be accepted, I’m pretty comfortable to accept the rejection or exclusion, but I won’t allow my grandchildren to treat me by the example that’s been set.  I’m not seeking rejection or exclusion, mind you, but accepting.  I simply cannot relate to their standards and definitions of right and wrong.

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In looking back before my healing, remembering is sad, it’s always sad.  Now, in twenty years of healthy living, I realize the definition of normal that I was taught, was not normal at all . . . black was white and white was black, yet it wasn’t that simple.  Green was purple and orange was blue, depending upon the moods of the adults and the circumstances.  Through the time of seeking mainstream psychology for answers, the count of personality alters hit 39.  Of course, some were quite fragmented and held exclusive or isolated incidents that I just couldn’t face at the time they were happening.

Although the last 20 years have been much more peaceful and enjoyable than the first 36 years, remembering is still difficult for me.  Even with healing, my scars still draw certain spiritual attacks.  As I seek Abba in this matter, I am grateful to finally be able to realize it, and to know it’s not an alter personality I am relying upon, but rather, the Creator of the Universe.  YHWH Nissi has me covered!

 

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Healing Test (Pt 3)

I hope it was the FINAL, in this particular subject!

While I was trying to gain footing in this new marriage, I had not fully let go of my old way of coping:  which is escape.  I didn’t want to fail again or end in divorce, I truly wanted the circumstances to change.  Of course, when that’s boiled down to reality, I wanted this person to change.  Before we married, I liked him.  The chemistry wasn’t so awesome, well or even present at all, but I did think we would be best friends.  I guess the truth of the matter was, he was enough of an oddball, I thought I’d feel a little closer to normal, next to him.   When I’m wrong, I say I’m wrong.  I was wrong . . .  I kept feeling stranger and stranger.  Everything I thought would be at least normal between us, was even more foreign than when I was crazy, trying to be normal!

I guess we’d been married about 3 months, when I shared something from my heart.  His response was something that changed everything for me.  His words were few and concise, “You can’t feel like that!”  I looked at him with what must have been a startling look, because he reworded it and said, “You shouldn’t feel that way.”  With that I responded as calmly as I could, “You can’t tell me how to feel.  I do accept the fact, however; that you don’t want me to voice it.”  I have to refer back, once again to how I operated as an adult before my healing.

From the time I’d been a very small child, vulnerability and true feelings were not to be shown.  As I aged, the multiple personality disorder expanded, it regulated what feelings were demonstrated and what feelings were hidden.  Feelings that were to be hidden were the trigger for a personality change.  When it wasn’t safe to be real, that realness was hidden from the rest of the world, as well as my fragmented alters.  Having been made whole, I now saw something I’d not experienced in my single life.  Of course, I’d been in social settings in which one doesn’t bare their soul or spill their guts, but in living alone, there was the refuge of home in which I could be myself.  I had not shared an address with someone who would dictate what feelings could be shared and what feelings must be hidden, since I gained total awareness.

It’s not like I’d cussed or falsely accused, or even had some sort of “tizzy,” as I know women can do.  I wasn’t slamming doors or throwing papers.  What I had said was not an accusation toward him, but simply I’d shared a vulnerability with the person who was supposed to be my soul mate.  His words hit all the way to the core of my being.  My hope in a soul mate vanished in a single instant.  Then, of course, I was afraid I was holding a grudge.  I still didn’t know how to discern accepting another’s control issues without being controlled, having my own boundaries, while “sharing a life.”  As life continued, I learned to not share my vulnerabilities with him.  He simply did not have it in him to protect or value me.  In all honestly, at first that was pretty upsetting, but as time went on, the distance between us became very reassuring, even comforting.  As the time has gone on, it’s not a regret or a grudge, simply a fact that is accepted and actually embraced.  There are places where feelings can be shared and places where they cannot.  It’s not a grudge to know who can be trusted and who cannot, it’s wisdom!

It did take awhile to be able to be openly honest with feelings of vulnerability.  We are called to love our enemies, but we aren’t told to trust them.  My mind was in shattered pieces for over 30 years of my life, yet it protected my heart.  I’ve come to realize, when we missed the feeling of safety as a child, some spend the rest of their lives looking for that safety in a mate or boundaries in a career.  When being real was forbidden, we long for that opportunity and acceptance.  When being vulnerable is unsafe, we can become hardened, but there is a true option to all that searching.    As an adult, before my healing, without awareness of the disorder process; when the personality alters quit, I simply ran out on the relationship.  I know if I’d have sought my old method of escape, through divorce, I would not be where Abba has brought me today.  I have Messiah and He has brought me to the Father.   Finally, I had reached the end of the trying of my faith on this healing.  He truly has healed my mind and I continue to seek Him and am renewed!

And be not conformed to this world: but be ye transformed by the renewing of your mind, that ye may prove what is that good, and acceptable, and perfect, will of YHWH.

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The Healing Tested (Part 2)

While the spiritual testing was going on, another test was taking place, that was absolutely horrendous.  I can honestly say, I had/have never been so humiliated.  Although I was healed and had been for some time, I faced an experience that had previously been relegated to an individual “alter” or personality.  Existing with multiple personality disorder, was not a conscious choice, as an adult.  My shattered mind simply cubbyholed experiences and one faction dealt with the circumstances while the rest of the pieces were basically;  oblivious . . .  That was the way I functioned for years and years . . . I believe my mind was fractured to protect my spirit, so my mental awareness and accomplishments were compartmentalized, while feelings were lost or hidden between the broken pieces.  When Abba healed my mind, I had no real frame of reference for operating in wholeness.  I, of course, knew the Scripture about having the mind of Messiah, but that would obviously involve growing in Him.  The mind of Messiah didn’t come instantly, like the healing did.  There are some thoughts, still;  that must be brought captive, as mentioned in II Corinthians 10:5.   In many areas of my life after being made whole, I functioned well with my full awareness, in other areas, I was fully aware of the dysfunction.  In any situation of dysfunction, it was first nature to presume the problem was my inadequacy.  As it turns out, all these years later, there are many folks who do not have multiple personality disorder, but are still quite dysfunctional!

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When making plans to get married in 2002, the realization hit home that I had not experienced intimacy since my mind had been healed.  Of course I was aware that I had a sexual past, but the realization that I would be fully involved was quite overpowering and overwhelming.
Oh, how I wish I’d had a deeper understanding . . .  When Abba had told me I was this “man’s rib,” I presumed, or I should say “assumed,” that meant we were soul mates.  We all know the old adage about what happens when one assumes . . .  From the time I began following Messiah, I had spent the years of my mental healing, being spiritually open, giving glory to my Heavenly Father, coming closer to Y’hshuwah.  I was highly functional, and enjoying the fact that my awareness was fluid.  I was feeling quite well, as a connected individual, even after a setback with MS the previous year, in which I realized my family would never accept me, or my healing.   What would unfold next, still has me shaking my head, as I write this.

The courtship with Mr. B, seemed fairly normal.  Most people who knew either of us thought we looked like a great couple, with the exception of his mother.  She took an instant dislike to me that she held until the day she died.  My family just figured I’d ‘screw up’ another marriage, so when the engagement was announced, Daddy asked me if I’d prayed about it.  I told him I had, and he said, “You better pray again!”  Although I was open about my call to ministry and service to YHWH, before getting married, I spoke clearly and directly to my “intended,” making sure he understood the vows I’d made to Adonai.   I also mentioned that if there was ever a problem between the two of us, he’d have both mothers on his side.   My parents have been wonderful in-laws to this man.  Daddy has truly done everything he could to help with the homestead, as well as provide handicap equipment and build accessibility options when Mr. B became disabled.  Now back to the healing test.

When Mr. B and I married, I had no idea what to expect as far as marital intimacy was concerned.  I was used to not “feeling a chemistry” ever, and there was clearly none; so I prayed that I would love him as a wife should love a husband.  We were not physically intimate before the ceremony.  Before I was healed, it was just one of the things to be accomplished in married life, so that was my perspective . . . a wifely duty, in which to accomplish accordingly!   As it turned out, in this situation, marital intimacy was work!  There was no natural spontaneity at all.   As a workaholic, this seemed to be the perfect match, yet something just wasn’t right . . .  At first I thought it was just nervousness or my own awkwardness, but instead of things getting better, the situation deteriorated further.  Considering the honeymoon, I had no idea, it could actually get worse!  Although we hadn’t talked a great deal about sex before we got married, he had mentioned a couple of things alluding to “spontaneity and timing.”  Without going into detail, suffice it to say, my attempts to please him, turned out to be EPIC fail.

At first, he almost had me convinced I was a failure as a woman.  I listened, but cringed; as he openly discussed experiences with other women.   As I sat there in shock and disgust, I reminded him that he told me that he loved the fact I wasn’t like other women . . . I was then given an “anatomy lesson” complete with illustration.  At that point, I could no longer maintain my “poker face,” the tears fell.   I couldn’t imagine destroying another, or attempting to destroy another,  by comparing experiences of intimacy.  I was also well aware and comforted by the fact that every man I had ever spoken with, was respectable enough to never discuss intimate details involving other women.  The men I knew and respected never kissed and told!  In my experience, the discussion of sex in mixed company was done in only three ways.   One, in an open discussion amongst adults, it is matter of fact science, or two;  impersonal innuendo.   The third way was privately, between a couple, and never ever about someone else in an intimate setting.

To add insult to injury, he discussed my attempts to please him, with co-workers!  He talked about me like some cheap one night stand.   One simply does not bring another person into the intimacy of the bedroom, nor publicly discuss the private details of the bedroom . . . everyone knows that!   His words made me, literally, sick.  I did a lot of throwing up the first  of marriage.  I really thought my ulcers were coming back, and sadly I began to self-doubt, self-blame, and wonder if I’d heard G-d at all.   Years earlier, YHWH had healed me of an ulcer problem I’d had for decades.  When the vomiting began, I truly became fearful that I would lose my healings.  I couldn’t imagine this was normal marriage!  Thankfully, I now know, it was far from a normal marriage . . .

By late summer of that year, when reading the 49th Torah portion, which included Deuteronomy 24:1, I literally begged and pleaded for a divorce.   When a man takes a wife, and marries her, then it shall be, if she find no favor in his eyes, because he has found some unseemly thing in her, that he shall write her a bill of divorce, and give it in her hand, and send her out of his house.

The futile attempts at intimacy faded quickly, and I; more or less, settled back into the solitary life I had before marriage, except I had to cook and clean and do laundry for a roommate who rejected me, yet insisted upon putting in all public appearances with me.   When Abba showed me it was time to relocate, I really thought he would finally send me on my way.  When that didn’t look like it was going to happen, I mentioned the difference of spiritual beliefs and the lack of intimacy.  He calmly and coldly stated, he didn’t know why he didn’t find me desirable, but that’s the way it was and there would be no divorce . . .  I still didn’t give up hope; not of reconciliation, but of freedom.

Considering his words when talking about another couple with intimacy issues, “where there’s a will there’s a way.”  I am fully aware of my circumstances and realize according to the Word, I am simply undivorced.  I think often of the 49th Torah Portion.  Interestingly it was when I was 49, reading the 49th Torah portion, it became clear that there would be no divorce.  That was the year he became disabled and I became his nursemaid and physical therapist, yet he still didn’t have a change of heart to desire me, or grant a divorce.  He even stated later that with G-d giving him a second chance and everything I did for him, he should probably feel differently . . . Thankfully even with no paper of divorce, I am not soul mates with that sort of thinking.  Although it may sound strange to give thanks for this test, my healing has been proven beyond any shadow of a doubt.   I was literally rejected spiritually and physically without being able to walk away.   Although it was devastating, I maintained well, until he told me how I should and couldn’t feel . . .

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