I hope it was the FINAL, in this particular subject!
While I was trying to gain footing in this new marriage, I had not fully let go of my old way of coping: which is escape. I didn’t want to fail again or end in divorce, I truly wanted the circumstances to change. Of course, when that’s boiled down to reality, I wanted this person to change. Before we married, I liked him. The chemistry wasn’t so awesome, well or even present at all, but I did think we would be best friends. I guess the truth of the matter was, he was enough of an oddball, I thought I’d feel a little closer to normal, next to him. When I’m wrong, I say I’m wrong. I was wrong . . . I kept feeling stranger and stranger. Everything I thought would be at least normal between us, was even more foreign than when I was crazy, trying to be normal!
I guess we’d been married about 3 months, when I shared something from my heart. His response was something that changed everything for me. His words were few and concise, “You can’t feel like that!” I looked at him with what must have been a startling look, because he reworded it and said, “You shouldn’t feel that way.” With that I responded as calmly as I could, “You can’t tell me how to feel. I do accept the fact, however; that you don’t want me to voice it.” I have to refer back, once again to how I operated as an adult before my healing.
From the time I’d been a very small child, vulnerability and true feelings were not to be shown. As I aged, the multiple personality disorder expanded, it regulated what feelings were demonstrated and what feelings were hidden. Feelings that were to be hidden were the trigger for a personality change. When it wasn’t safe to be real, that realness was hidden from the rest of the world, as well as my fragmented alters. Having been made whole, I now saw something I’d not experienced in my single life. Of course, I’d been in social settings in which one doesn’t bare their soul or spill their guts, but in living alone, there was the refuge of home in which I could be myself. I had not shared an address with someone who would dictate what feelings could be shared and what feelings must be hidden, since I gained total awareness.
It’s not like I’d cussed or falsely accused, or even had some sort of “tizzy,” as I know women can do. I wasn’t slamming doors or throwing papers. What I had said was not an accusation toward him, but simply I’d shared a vulnerability with the person who was supposed to be my soul mate. His words hit all the way to the core of my being. My hope in a soul mate vanished in a single instant. Then, of course, I was afraid I was holding a grudge. I still didn’t know how to discern accepting another’s control issues without being controlled, having my own boundaries, while “sharing a life.” As life continued, I learned to not share my vulnerabilities with him. He simply did not have it in him to protect or value me. In all honestly, at first that was pretty upsetting, but as time went on, the distance between us became very reassuring, even comforting. As the time has gone on, it’s not a regret or a grudge, simply a fact that is accepted and actually embraced. There are places where feelings can be shared and places where they cannot. It’s not a grudge to know who can be trusted and who cannot, it’s wisdom!
It did take awhile to be able to be openly honest with feelings of vulnerability. We are called to love our enemies, but we aren’t told to trust them. My mind was in shattered pieces for over 30 years of my life, yet it protected my heart. I’ve come to realize, when we missed the feeling of safety as a child, some spend the rest of their lives looking for that safety in a mate or boundaries in a career. When being real was forbidden, we long for that opportunity and acceptance. When being vulnerable is unsafe, we can become hardened, but there is a true option to all that searching. As an adult, before my healing, without awareness of the disorder process; when the personality alters quit, I simply ran out on the relationship. I know if I’d have sought my old method of escape, through divorce, I would not be where Abba has brought me today. I have Messiah and He has brought me to the Father. Finally, I had reached the end of the trying of my faith on this healing. He truly has healed my mind and I continue to seek Him and am renewed!
And be not conformed to this world: but be ye transformed by the renewing of your mind, that ye may prove what is that good, and acceptable, and perfect, will of YHWH.