The last entry certainly stirred my thinking. At this point in my life, I don’t believe in becoming terribly self focused. I want to simply be an open book before my Heavenly Father and be pleasing to Him. I want to be like Y’hshuah. Sometimes the seeking becomes a bit of sorting, as there are still areas of struggle. Abba has shown me a certain spirit that is drawn to me, or that I attract. In remembering the fragmented bits and pieces of my former fractured self, I see all too many times, the same situation, the same circumstances, and now with discernment, the same spirit in the atmosphere.
I don’t want to spend any more time dealing with that spirit, but by the same token, I’d truly like to see what is in me that draws it! As I began this post, I just became intensely sad. Although my memory prior to my healing is still differentiated to a point, I can remember the patterns. I remember the times of “looking down” on a little brown girl that simply did not know what to do . . . and being so thankful I wasn’t her. Now, with healing, I am of course; aware of the reality. That little brown girl was me, and there are now many memories that I hadn’t even had to look at, at the time the events and circumstances were actually taking place. This also grieves me. I remember so many times of just longing to be invisible, and at the point of my next awareness, the circumstances were different. I was young, I had a child’s perspective, but that didn’t go away as I grew physically. The broken separation deepened.
As a child, I thought my mother’s humiliation of me was my being overly sensitive, as that’s what I was told. Now, fully aware and still dealing with it, others have noticed her treatment of me, to this day. Our relationship hasn’t really changed, but my awareness has! It’s the same with one of my daughters. She keeps trying to catch me separated, but doesn’t realize, I have all those traits and qualities of each alter, but there is no longer a separation or loss of awareness. That same daughter has actually told me she can count on her grandmother to financially reward her disrespect of me. Now that I am aware of the requirements to be accepted, I’m pretty comfortable to accept the rejection or exclusion, but I won’t allow my grandchildren to treat me by the example that’s been set. I’m not seeking rejection or exclusion, mind you, but accepting. I simply cannot relate to their standards and definitions of right and wrong.
In looking back before my healing, remembering is sad, it’s always sad. Now, in twenty years of healthy living, I realize the definition of normal that I was taught, was not normal at all . . . black was white and white was black, yet it wasn’t that simple. Green was purple and orange was blue, depending upon the moods of the adults and the circumstances. Through the time of seeking mainstream psychology for answers, the count of personality alters hit 39. Of course, some were quite fragmented and held exclusive or isolated incidents that I just couldn’t face at the time they were happening.
Although the last 20 years have been much more peaceful and enjoyable than the first 36 years, remembering is still difficult for me. Even with healing, my scars still draw certain spiritual attacks. As I seek Abba in this matter, I am grateful to finally be able to realize it, and to know it’s not an alter personality I am relying upon, but rather, the Creator of the Universe. YHWH Nissi has me covered!