I never understood resolution or closure through the years of living with dissociative identity disorder. That’s the official term for it now in the DSM V-R. Looking back, now, I think I can explain what seemed to happen, but at the time, I was completely unaware of it. In my attempt to achieve mental health through psychology, I came to this understanding of the way the disorder worked. Psychology didn’t give me an answer or a cure, just an explanation for the “workings” of the disorder. Life was basically about surviving one situation to the next. I wasn’t living, and life didn’t always require the need to survive, unless I kept myself in bad situations, so . . . for a time I kept finding myself in “familiar” circumstances which were not healthy, that fed my poor emotional health.
As adults, we do not have to stay in circumstances that are unhealthy or highly stressful. Usually we can accept the rejection and just move on. Dissociative identity disorder not only kept me from seeing the full picture, but undoubtedly heightened the stress in many situations. I simply did not know how to live a fluid life. My fragmented personalities became experts to handle life in pieces. Let me say right now, the various personalities were only considered “experts” in a shattered mind. There was a great deal of dysfunction in my life. The only thing I really managed for the long term, was motherhood, because I wanted every child in my circle of influence to have a special and safe childhood. I did everything in my power to make the world revolve around a child. I didn’t know the difference between nurture and spoil. The results of that dysfunction remain sadly obvious, today.
Once I came to YHWH and my mind was healed, I didn’t know how to function with a healthy mind. I was simply ignorant as to how life actually worked. Since my mind was no longer fragmented, I discovered very quickly, many awkward situations. I’m not confrontational, although I am protective of the smaller and weaker; and I do stand my ground. The paradigm of the disorder was completely changed in the Master’s healing touch. The problem was, I was still a collection of my shattered self, now seeking Abba instead of self-preservation. The first couple of years on the Narrow Path were not easy. I didn’t know how to interact, I only knew how to protect and keep the peace or leave. On top of that, I was faced with trying to understand the difference between unity and compromise. That’s still tricky when it comes to family and religious folk. My family has done everything to keep the old dysfunctional Elizabeth in her place . . . now to the fourth generation. As for religious folk, I think discord is now referred to as “iron sharpening iron.”
Since my mind is now together, I take note of second mile situations, but that took a great deal of discipline and seeking Y’hshuwah. I knew a lot of Scripture even in my disorder days, so imagine how patient a personal with dissociative disorder appears to be while each personality goes the second mile. With my mind made whole, I realized the second mile ended much quicker, but still wasn’t sure what to do, other than leave . . . rather than simply being mentally and emotionally absent. For a time that was great! It was nice to leave a situation and really be gone, body and all; rather than “coming back” in an undisclosed period of time, to face the same problem or just take the blame.
As time went on in my walk, I guess Abba decided I was mature enough to handle resolution without leaving, or He has used it to mature me. He’s also brought me to the place I have simply prayed for “pleasant good-byes.”
Rejection and fear of rejection was a driving force in my mental disorder. The subconscious drive to produce and project a high achieving, low maintenance “performer” has taken some time to die. I do have emotions and emotional responses, but I’m quite reserved in the demonstration of them. I am now able to tolerate awkward situations without fixing them, if they are none of my business. Even if blame is aimed my way, unless I’m guilty, I don’t have to receive it. As for rejection, I’m learning there are worse things.
Rejection is no longer a motivating factor in my attempt to make improvements in a relationship. Rejection is a clear message, the other individual does not desire a relationship, or is seeking to control and change. Recognizing rejection has become a very simple way to focus my energy and effort in a more productive way or with a more receptive individual. Not only did Abba heal my mind, the mind of Messiah, now affords me the strength and wisdom to accept resolution and closure in shalom rather than crisis and confusion.