When one of my daughters suggested she still saw signs of my multiple personality, back in 2012; I was deeply troubled by her comment. First and foremost, she comes across as very knowledgeable, even commanding, but I’m her mom, so I’m finally onto her schtick. I realized I’m the one who had given her that “power” in my life, so . . . in my healing that changed. Her opinion really is just that, just another opinion. Yet, I digress, this isn’t about her . . . Many family members take issue with my healing and health, so Mr. B has strict orders, if I get sick. He is not to call family until I’m recovered or ready for burial.
There was a continuing similarity in my various alters/personalities, while also diametrically opposing emotional reactions. Each alter had a talent and a specific insight, but it was very focused, so the wrong alter in the wrong circumstance was never a good thing. Before my healing from YHWH, I tried to work through this with psychology. A real fear set in, through that process, and I’m choosing to use past tense third person in the following statement. The alters felt threatened that they would be eliminated, and my protected core felt she would be left helpless and vulnerable. The “members” of multiple personality disorder do not understand the darkness outside of their awareness. The nothingness or disconnected void that surrounds them, is only darkness to them. The world keeps right on running and often running them.
So after a time, I/we settled for what was termed “co-consciousness.” It didn’t include the entire “group,” but there was a fluidity to my behavior and understanding. Sadly, I was still only “watching” my life go by, and only certain segments. My view of my life was like watching a youtube video. By the time I was seeing the scenario, it was insignificant history, that had sometimes gone viral in my circle of influence and already discussed. Co-consciousness worked on a performance level and after the fact, so it was far from optimum. I was still easily lost or manipulated in the commotion others called life. I felt such overwhelming responsibility and guilt for the blank spots, although there were never signs that I’d neglected my responsibilities. I don’t remember ever being fired, although I did regrettably walk out on a job or two. Marriage was difficult because it was supposed to involve intimacy, and I just didn’t have that capability. There was just too big of a “crowd” to get to know on a personal level. What was intimate and personally favorable for one personality was far from that for another, so it truly wasn’t fair to the husbands who did cherish me. I still have regrets about that and pray they are happy.
When YHWH healed me, things changed dramatically. The awareness was a miracle, and if that wasn’t enough, my gifts and talents seemed to intensify with total awareness, while the negative motivation decreased. I finally experienced life on a participation level, rather than observation or obligation. I no longer functioned to keep everyone at a friendly distance. I didn’t become totally trusting overnight with people, and I’m still not, but trusting YHWH, rather than a hidden part of myself was exhilarating!
I now enjoy so many activities, interests, and talents in my life. There are a couple of things I no longer do as well, but the reason is two fold. One; those things are not in as big a demand in my life as they used to be, so the practice has fallen away, and the second reason, some of the projects I was spending time and talent on, are not Scriptural, therefore the talent has been redirected to things that are glorifying to our Creator!
Meanwhile, I am so thankful to be healed and in service to my King, following Messiah. I am blessed to be the owner operator of a small homestead, called the Land of Goshen, where I enjoy a wonderful herd of goats and raise an organic garden. I am thrilled to be able to formulate herbal extracts and essential oil blends, make soaps and natural products, while also designing the catalogue and heading the marketing department. I get to be the CEO, CFO, and answer the phone. That really is a blessing, in that when I come across a need, if I have something that will help, it’s within my power to be able to gift it rather than check with management.
I have great dogs that are not only wonderful companions, but working dogs as well . . . My family doesn’t live so close, but with modern technology, we get to stay in touch and for that I am grateful. I’m not the greatest author in the world, but notices of auto deposits from amazon are fun and I truly love being an internet journalist. When I click publish, I think of Isaiah 52:7. The fact that Romans 10:15 references the passage in Isaiah, I also appreciate how truly economical it is to get the Good News throughout the world, now by internet. I sometimes consider the fact that somewhere on the other end of “send” is the last person to hear and receive the Gospel.
The title of this article bears more depth than meets the eye. When I say I lost “nothing,” that was a huge thing to lose. The dark nothingness that existed between the fragments of my broken mind was lost in The Light.