This blog has been quite difficult for me. I have been saved from such heartache and forgiven of so much. For those who are following this, please forgive me. Although my mind is healed, sometimes even thinking about the past is terribly difficult. When I think of the past, my heart breaks, not for my own brokenness, but for the pain my brokenness caused others. In describing multiple personality disorder, terms like broken, shattered, fragmented, and pieces are used regularly. Now picture broken pottery or a shattered glass which has nothing but sharp edges and shards to deal with. How many people were injured by my shattered life?
I prefer to write about direction, goals, and victories, but so many of the victories in my life were born out of pain. Since following Messiah and entering Covenant with YHWH, I have been given direction, goals, and victories! I’m thankful I’ll be “forever” grateful, and so grateful that this new life in Messiah is the one that is forever, rather than the pain of the past. As I now see the past as a whole picture, it’s certainly not pretty. In all the divisions in my mind, I never saw the whole picture, and now all I can do is thank my Heavenly Father that He loved me enough to keep me and heal me.
The truly sad thing about my past is that although I was not living for G-d, I certainly wasn’t aiming at an hedonistic or selfish lifestyle. I was trying so hard to be normal; and good, decent men tried so hard to love me. I just simply did not know how to “do” normal. Each of my personalities or alters contributed, and so each of them wanted their own interaction, personally. The average together minded human being is not capable of that! (PERIOD) It simply is not possible. Now that I can see the whole picture, I remember the number of times, my husband would try to reach “me,” would try to express his love and appreciation, only for his effort to not be received by a different piece of me. As a serial bride, this happened with more than one husband and they were not to blame. I simply could not comprehend a full and complete intimate relationship. Now that I can, I’ve been rejected . . . and I live with it daily.
My current situation reminds me of one thing for which I’m very grateful. Although I failed in relationships with good, caring men, I had the integrity to let them go and find love, to be able to share a life with someone. My current situation keeps me ever mindful of another fact, however. Although I don’t share a life with the man who shares this address, I am free to pursue the priorities I do have. “Living” with someone who has no desire for me, affords me a great deal of time for my true desires.
Living in Covenant with YHWH gives me the power and peace to live in a loveless situation. Do I think I’m being punished? I used to . . . but recently a G-dly friend asked me a question that put it all into perspective. This individual asked if I wouldn’t like to be showered with attention from a loving man. As I thought about the question, I realized, how many times when I was attempting to be “one” with the man whom I now share an address, my mind was always somewhere else. “Quality time” always brought thoughts of what I would rather be doing. Whether this is the result of my brokenness, or just the appreciation that I now have a fully connected life, I am content in having direction and a future. My past was not easy, and certainly offers no comfort, but thankfully; it is my past!