Dissociated and Depersonalized to Survive the Dysfunction

I’m still not quite sure where I stand on “generational curses.”  I realize there are familiar spirits and there is only one letter difference between familiar and familial, so undoubtedly families carry on their “traditions” and many of them are not good, or rather “good in our own eyes,” which is often very detrimental.  I guess I don’t see a “generational curse” as something that is completely out of my control, or even necessarily demonic.  I feel that much of what was spoken of in Scripture regarding the sins of the ancestors that were handed down is more a matter of condition and environment.  Children who are raised dysfunctionally, will become dysfunctional adults, but often they don’t realize they are.  That doesn’t necessarily make it demonic or a “spirit” per se.   I am blessed to know, my dysfunctional family considered me the black sheep and the scapegoat.  That knowledge was not within my grasp, however; as a young adult.  Imagine the self image and self blaming of a person who doesn’t meet the standards of the blatantly dysfunctional!  I spent much of my childhood observing the dysfunctional women, while also realizing I didn’t even meet their standards . . . and forget completely, about acceptance.  No matter what I did, there was something wrong or inadequate or simply disappointing.

Daddy was a hard man with a good work ethic and actually was gone quite a bit, working; to afford his wife the luxury of being a stay at home mom.  I did gain his work ethic, but lacked the self esteem he had/has, so I worked very hard, but never even considered my contribution to be of significant financial value or even worthy of respect.  As I’ve stated before, I knew I didn’t want to be like most of the women in my family, but I truly thought I could just get married, go away, be a mother, and not be the woman I didn’t want to be.  That isn’t a life plan, that’s avoidance, and that doesn’t work!  Unfortunately, I discovered that AFTER attempting it . . . more than once.  Until entering covenant with YHWH in Moshiach, and receiving my healing, avoidance was the skill I honed.  I stayed out of touch from family once; for over three years, and another time for seven years.  Since becoming a covenant believer, I’ve never left without a forwarding address, but the change in me has not brought any positive change in the relationships.  Even as a covenant believer in ministry, I’m still the loser, and “wrong” on religion as well.

The problem with my former life of dissociation, but remaining in the same situation is twofold, actually threefold.  First, if the situation remains unresolved, the personalities all begin to stop trading places and sooner or later all that will deal with the situation is a real intense personality, and she was the queen of avoidance.  Walking out was her specialty, as well as creating an atmosphere in which her absence was preferred by all involved.  She was a bridge burner.  Now that I’ve been made whole, that part of my total mind has been brought into a different sort of resolve.  The emotions are much less intense, and I can actually remain constant and unmovable, as well as accepting the fact, some relationships are simply not going to be comfortable, thus requiring no emotional investment beyond that.

Dissociative Identity Disorder was a built in “avoidance” method and an obvious issue in my early adult years, but in that chaos the foundational disorder went basically unnoticed.  I had depersonalization personality disorder and didn’t even realize that was a disorder.  I had no idea other people didn’t feel disconnected from their own lives and circumstances.  I’m so thankful I grew up in a time that sexual confusion wasn’t taught in mainstream.  In that kind of dysfunction and denial, much more confusion could have arisen.  I knew I was a woman and wanted to be a woman, just a different kind of woman than most of the women in my family.  Unfortunately the patterns that became established in my life of dissociation actually hindered healthy interaction with stable people.  By my early 30s that was becoming painfully obvious!  I was unable to function unless surrounded by dysfunction!   My dissociative disorder was causing physical exhaustion and the symptoms of my neurological disorder; MS, were intensifying.  I ruined a perfectly good marriage, clamboring for chaos in an attempt to maintain my way of functioning.  By the time I became a believer and was made whole, it was too late to salvage the relationship.  I hope he’s happy, I truly do.

As for continuing to take my place in the family dysfunction . . . It’s no longer a matter of avoidance, but of preparing to let it roll off of me, like water off a duck’s back.  As I think of the various situations, I literally shrug my shoulders, and feel my sideways grin.  It is what it is, and I’m not called to change them, I’m called to let my light shine and stand in shalom in the midst of the dark, dysfunction, and chaos.  This family pattern has been in place a very long time.  The only Scriptural instructions I have in this regard, is to honor my father and mother and not let the sun go down on my wrath . . . In Y’hshuwah, I’ve come to understand, there’s no need to be angry about the way my family treats me, Messiah said the end of days would produce much discord in family relationships and he also said, “those who do the will of the Father are family.”  The family’s ongoing perspective of me, doesn’t align with how my Heavenly Father sees me, therefore it doesn’t define who I am.

My mother called last night, and at 74 years old she’s still trying to tell her 57 year old daughter how to behave, react, and think.  Her perspective of my life that she sees two days a year and only hears what I choose to share is based upon very little actual information.  This has truly helped me in understanding, her view of life, my entire life, seems to have had the same baseless foundation.  I spent the first eighteen years of my adult life, drowning in the misinformation of my childhood, then the next 18 overcoming all the mess I made.  Could be, in light of revered dysfunction; the whole stay at home mom thing wasn’t such a great idea, after all . . .  In over twenty years now, of serving YHWH and being made whole, those who preferred the broken “me” have not embraced the person I was created to be.

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