Being Whole

This being whole is not always a walk in the park.  I’ve realized now, when I make a mistake or offend I feel terrible “all over” about it; and when I get hurt, it can hurt deeply.  Back in the scattered scrambled days, the blank spaces kept me from feeling so deeply.  The one area in which I still struggle terribly, is getting along with most other women.  Through the years I have had a few women friends, but  I’m just not a normal woman.  That’s not to say I have any gender confusion or trendy issues, I know I am fully a woman, but I don’t seem to think like other women.  Even my last husband who met me after my healing said I just didn’t think like other women, which has turned into a real deal, down the long road of a shared address, yet I digress . . .

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My mother says we just don’t see anything the same.  My sister hasn’t spoken to me in years.  One of my daughters and one of my nieces has blocked me and unfriended me on social media and not quietly, I might add.  One of my granddaughters has followed suit of her mother but recently refriended me to what feels like “waiting for the shoe to drop again.”  The “church ladies” of days gone by have their panties in a twist and unfriend me,  yet I’ve been friendly to them.  I do not back down from my convictions, but I don’t hammer them, either.  To reinforce my lack of confidence as a woman, Mr. B doesn’t treat me as a woman and he was very clear early on about not finding me desireable.  I’ve given some serious consideration to my “misfittedness” and I’m simply no longer bothered by it.  Since I know my healing came from my Heavenly Father, I know the way I think is the way I’m supposed to think.  Now, don’t get me wrong, I know I don’t know everything and I am sometimes wrong, but having a unique perspective is not the problem.  Being a very capable woman who does not back down in fear is not a sin!

I came to this place of thinking and being and I have no reason, whatsoever; to discard Romans 8:28 at this point in life.  In this acceptance and in letting go of the opinion of others, an amazing thing has happened in my life and it is a true blessing.  I have gained many friendships with women, now, and have been blessed beyond measure in the interaction I have without feeling odd.  Many in our society are coming into a place in life where they are interested to learn many of the things I know.  Many in our society have reread Proverbs 31 and realize strong and capable is not unfeminine.

Not only have I been mindful of Romans 8:28, but Titus 2:3-5 has become an integral part of my life and responsibility in ministry.  I never found my place as a young woman, and although I still refer to myself as middle aged, most of this society views me as a senior citizen; so I missed my place in the middle aged years as well.  I am just now coming into the fullness of who our Creator made me to be.  The puzzle pieces and priorities are coming together for me as a woman, a seasoned and aged woman of El Shaddai.  I look back on a few of my accomplishments and smile, but more importantly, I look to heaven for peace in the present and the vision for my purpose.

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