While the spiritual testing was going on, another test was taking place, that was absolutely horrendous. I can honestly say, I had/have never been so humiliated. Although I was healed and had been for some time, I faced an experience that had previously been relegated to an individual “alter” or personality. Existing with multiple personality disorder, was not a conscious choice, as an adult. My shattered mind simply cubbyholed experiences and one faction dealt with the circumstances while the rest of the pieces were basically; oblivious . . . That was the way I functioned for years and years . . . I believe my mind was fractured to protect my spirit, so my mental awareness and accomplishments were compartmentalized, while feelings were lost or hidden between the broken pieces. When Abba healed my mind, I had no real frame of reference for operating in wholeness. I, of course, knew the Scripture about having the mind of Messiah, but that would obviously involve growing in Him. The mind of Messiah didn’t come instantly, like the healing did. There are some thoughts, still; that must be brought captive, as mentioned in II Corinthians 10:5. In many areas of my life after being made whole, I functioned well with my full awareness, in other areas, I was fully aware of the dysfunction. In any situation of dysfunction, it was first nature to presume the problem was my inadequacy. As it turns out, all these years later, there are many folks who do not have multiple personality disorder, but are still quite dysfunctional!
When making plans to get married in 2002, the realization hit home that I had not experienced intimacy since my mind had been healed. Of course I was aware that I had a sexual past, but the realization that I would be fully involved was quite overpowering and overwhelming.
Oh, how I wish I’d had a deeper understanding . . . When Abba had told me I was this “man’s rib,” I presumed, or I should say “assumed,” that meant we were soul mates. We all know the old adage about what happens when one assumes . . . From the time I began following Messiah, I had spent the years of my mental healing, being spiritually open, giving glory to my Heavenly Father, coming closer to Y’hshuwah. I was highly functional, and enjoying the fact that my awareness was fluid. I was feeling quite well, as a connected individual, even after a setback with MS the previous year, in which I realized my family would never accept me, or my healing. What would unfold next, still has me shaking my head, as I write this.
The courtship with Mr. B, seemed fairly normal. Most people who knew either of us thought we looked like a great couple, with the exception of his mother. She took an instant dislike to me that she held until the day she died. My family just figured I’d ‘screw up’ another marriage, so when the engagement was announced, Daddy asked me if I’d prayed about it. I told him I had, and he said, “You better pray again!” Although I was open about my call to ministry and service to YHWH, before getting married, I spoke clearly and directly to my “intended,” making sure he understood the vows I’d made to Adonai. I also mentioned that if there was ever a problem between the two of us, he’d have both mothers on his side. My parents have been wonderful in-laws to this man. Daddy has truly done everything he could to help with the homestead, as well as provide handicap equipment and build accessibility options when Mr. B became disabled. Now back to the healing test.
When Mr. B and I married, I had no idea what to expect as far as marital intimacy was concerned. I was used to not “feeling a chemistry” ever, and there was clearly none; so I prayed that I would love him as a wife should love a husband. We were not physically intimate before the ceremony. Before I was healed, it was just one of the things to be accomplished in married life, so that was my perspective . . . a wifely duty, in which to accomplish accordingly! As it turned out, in this situation, marital intimacy was work! There was no natural spontaneity at all. As a workaholic, this seemed to be the perfect match, yet something just wasn’t right . . . At first I thought it was just nervousness or my own awkwardness, but instead of things getting better, the situation deteriorated further. Considering the honeymoon, I had no idea, it could actually get worse! Although we hadn’t talked a great deal about sex before we got married, he had mentioned a couple of things alluding to “spontaneity and timing.” Without going into detail, suffice it to say, my attempts to please him, turned out to be EPIC fail.
At first, he almost had me convinced I was a failure as a woman. I listened, but cringed; as he openly discussed experiences with other women. As I sat there in shock and disgust, I reminded him that he told me that he loved the fact I wasn’t like other women . . . I was then given an “anatomy lesson” complete with illustration. At that point, I could no longer maintain my “poker face,” the tears fell. I couldn’t imagine destroying another, or attempting to destroy another, by comparing experiences of intimacy. I was also well aware and comforted by the fact that every man I had ever spoken with, was respectable enough to never discuss intimate details involving other women. The men I knew and respected never kissed and told! In my experience, the discussion of sex in mixed company was done in only three ways. One, in an open discussion amongst adults, it is matter of fact science, or two; impersonal innuendo. The third way was privately, between a couple, and never ever about someone else in an intimate setting.
To add insult to injury, he discussed my attempts to please him, with co-workers! He talked about me like some cheap one night stand. One simply does not bring another person into the intimacy of the bedroom, nor publicly discuss the private details of the bedroom . . . everyone knows that! His words made me, literally, sick. I did a lot of throwing up the first of marriage. I really thought my ulcers were coming back, and sadly I began to self-doubt, self-blame, and wonder if I’d heard G-d at all. Years earlier, YHWH had healed me of an ulcer problem I’d had for decades. When the vomiting began, I truly became fearful that I would lose my healings. I couldn’t imagine this was normal marriage! Thankfully, I now know, it was far from a normal marriage . . .
By late summer of that year, when reading the 49th Torah portion, which included Deuteronomy 24:1, I literally begged and pleaded for a divorce. When a man takes a wife, and marries her, then it shall be, if she find no favor in his eyes, because he has found some unseemly thing in her, that he shall write her a bill of divorce, and give it in her hand, and send her out of his house.
The futile attempts at intimacy faded quickly, and I; more or less, settled back into the solitary life I had before marriage, except I had to cook and clean and do laundry for a roommate who rejected me, yet insisted upon putting in all public appearances with me. When Abba showed me it was time to relocate, I really thought he would finally send me on my way. When that didn’t look like it was going to happen, I mentioned the difference of spiritual beliefs and the lack of intimacy. He calmly and coldly stated, he didn’t know why he didn’t find me desirable, but that’s the way it was and there would be no divorce . . . I still didn’t give up hope; not of reconciliation, but of freedom.
Considering his words when talking about another couple with intimacy issues, “where there’s a will there’s a way.” I am fully aware of my circumstances and realize according to the Word, I am simply undivorced. I think often of the 49th Torah Portion. Interestingly it was when I was 49, reading the 49th Torah portion, it became clear that there would be no divorce. That was the year he became disabled and I became his nursemaid and physical therapist, yet he still didn’t have a change of heart to desire me, or grant a divorce. He even stated later that with G-d giving him a second chance and everything I did for him, he should probably feel differently . . . Thankfully even with no paper of divorce, I am not soul mates with that sort of thinking. Although it may sound strange to give thanks for this test, my healing has been proven beyond any shadow of a doubt. I was literally rejected spiritually and physically without being able to walk away. Although it was devastating, I maintained well, until he told me how I should and couldn’t feel . . .